The Great Jonesome.

One of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with is going on right now, my complicated relationship with my father. It's not that my father and I don't get along, it's that the reasons we don't get along run so deep and so astray that you can barely place your finger on them, let alone understand them in context to how we feud constantly.

My dad is depressed. I can tell. He never really does anything that he wants to do, he never sees his friends, he always just kinda bounces around at home, and does various little things to pass the time, but you never see him really break lose and laugh like he isn't worrying about something, or has some dark thought looming in the back of his mind. I don't remember the last time I've seen him lose himself in a moment. Always worried about money, always concerned way too much about some things he has absolutely no control over, and that bums me more than anything else in my life. There is not a damn thing I can do to help him pick his shit back up to where he enjoys life again.

Today he asked me to go fishing when I had a few people over, and as much as I didn't want to go, I would have if my friends weren't there. I can't just drop them to go hang out with him, and he just seemed so dull and lonely when I told him no. He went by himself and caught a good deal of baby catfish to bring home for our aquarium, but just that look on his face when I said no, and how he paused just long enough to kind of sag his shoulders and sink back into lonesomeness.

It's not that he is depressed now so much that bothers me, it's that he's been like this for a few years, and there doesn't seem to be any sign of him growing out of it. He could very easily grow old without ever getting his life back, and it scares me. I like the guy as much as I don't get along with him, and I wish I could get into his head to take his life back in his control, and just have some fucking fun for a change. Some real fun, where you aren't worried about looking stupid or drunk in front of your son, or getting in trouble a little bit. Just fucking get out there and don't let the years wither you away, or find something new that interest you, and run with it. Pick up a new hobby, a new trade. Bring back out an old one. I played with Lego's today for four hours, and it was the most fun I've had in awhile. A simple activity I did for hours growing up still makes me enjoy my day even 10 years later.

You're life never stops, and you only once, don't ever forget that.